The Struggle May 10, 2005
Posted by Jax in : General, Life , trackbackThis post is rather long and personal but I feel that as a body of believers we need to be able to share our struggles so that others can pray. Also, I think it is good for us to get things out in the open to lighten the burden. With that…
The chains were heavy. Every step I took exhausted me. I wanted to cry out for help, to be released from this bondage. But I wouldn’t. Even though, I was constantly in pain both mentally and physically I had become attached to the very links that bound me. I was a slave.
No one else could see my chains. A few people knew something was amiss but with no certainty. I always appeared to be a happy, hyper kid. Nothing was ever wrong in my world. I was the king of my kingdom and the master of my destiny. So much of that was a front. If people could see beyond that they would be disgusted. The filth that clung to my flesh and tried to snuff any semblance of the life I claimed to lead, was worse than any cesspool slime. The pain and sorrow in my heart would cause even the Energizer bunny to stop and cry. But I couldn’t let anyone see it. I couldn’t let the lie of my life be exposed. I am a good Christian man. It is my job to lead people on their walk with Christ and to counsel them through difficulties. Nothing is wrong with me. It is all good.
It’s funny how our minds work. I knew how to break the chains and to live my life truthfully but I was having too much “fun” to let go even if it killed me. A few seconds of satisfaction every now and then was worth the guilt that weighed heavier and heavier on my heart. One minute I would be fighting against the sin attacking me knowing that if I won I would feel joy beyond a temporary rush of warm fuzzies, and the next I would be lying in my bed crying knowing once again that I had hurt my Father.
I always knew that it hurt Him. Every time I let lust grip my heart and take control pain would shoot through my God’s body as I hammered the stake into his wrist. I used to cry begging Him to forgive me, but as time went by my heart became number and number. It reached the point where all I could say was “I’m sorry” and then go on with my life. Even then He didn’t give up on me. Though I would beat Him up and through Him out of my house He kept knocking at the door begging to come in. It should have been me begging. It should have been me groveling on the ground begging God not to pour out judgment on me but I didn’t. His love and persistence amazed me but I tried to ignore Him.
There is only so long an open wound can be ignored before gangrene spreads and kills you. I knew this and I knew that I was killing myself. But I didn’t want to die. I wanted to believe that God had a purpose for me and that if I killed myself it would never happen. How could I do anything for Christ if I was dead inside? How could I enter into a relationship with anyone if it gave birth to desires leading to sin? And that was where the line was drawn.
The grace of God is an amazing thing. Even when you hit rock bottom after years of saying, “No, God” He picks you up when you call on Him. The years of burdens pressed in so much that it was time for me to make the life or death decision. On my knees screaming to my Father I begged. I begged for another chance knowing that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved a long, painful death. But He heard me. He heard me and answered my cry. As I lay there on the floor I could feel the chains loosening. Suddenly my load was lightened so that I could rise. As I stood up, the chains slipped off my body. In amazement I cried out to my Father. I could move. I could dance. I could breath. For so long I had gasped for air and all I would get was the stench of my body. But now! Thank you, God! I took a huge breath of fresh air. He not only had freed me but given me a good scrubbing as well.
Freedom is an amazing feeling. I don’t think a written description could ever do justice to it. For eleven months I basked in this energizing glow. I continued to dig into His word seeking out how to combat the enemy that I knew would return. When he did I took captive my every thought calling on God to protect. Not only was I free but I knew how to fight. I had never felt closer to God before. It was truly amazing which makes the current ending heartbreaking.
For a few months I went from on top to as far from God as I could be and still have some bit of connection. I did not give up, though, and once again God brought me back into the protection of His arms. But I did not devote myself to putting on the armor of God and continuing to seek Jesus Christ. Instead, I was complacent. This is why I feel the chains tightening. This is why I can feel myself sinking into the quagmire. I wish I could blame someone for my state but it is all me. It is me who is being unfaithful to God, to my family, and to my girlfriend. This is why I am once again on my knees calling for forgiveness. I honestly don’t care about my own survival anymore but this new quest for redemption is for those who have put their trust in me even when they knew my history of betrayal. That is why I call on my Savior to give me strength to fight.
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