The Latest and Greatest in the Free-Sex Movement and Other News August 24, 2006
Posted by NL in : News, This should not be happening , trackbackAt work today I heard on the news that Plan B has been approved for over-the-counter sell to non-minors. This is great news for those of you in the Free-Sex Movement (if there is such a thing); in fact it is great news for anyone who thinks kids are a waste of time and money… or that the world population is getting out of control (though much of Europe and China are experiencing quite the opposite). With this new reason about which to have nothing to worry concerning sex — that is concerning with my responsibility to fathering any children that should result of said ‘relationship’ — I now have free reign to, well, ‘love’ any girl that should also mutually want to ‘love’. Since until now I had no other significant plans for this evening, tonight I will go see if I can find two or three women with whom to spend some good, quality, ‘romantic’ time. Particularly now that there is no need to worry about with whom I should do the deed, thanks to the evolutionary world view I was taught in school, “Let’s just love each other, Baby!” And, thankfully, the baby will not be crying out to us in nine months.
I love doing this sort of satirical work. Honestly, this seems that it might go hand-in-hand with other news about which I heard today — safe embryonic stem cell research. These embryos only have 8-10 cells, they don’t have many cells to give up. Now I’m not in the research, but why can’t they use stem cells to create more stem cells? And secondly what’s so great about embryonic stem cells? — do adult stem cells not produce the same results? Adult stem cells occur in the umbilical cord… those people dying to do stem cell research should open delivery rooms in the front of their buildings and harvest the umbilical cords. Adult stem cells occur in our fatty tissue… — this one is great — those people dying to do stem cell research should start giving away free lyposuctions! It’d make a great commercial: “Fat? Overweight? Want to loose some pounds? Those diets not working for you? That burn-more-fat pill not doing it? Well, we have the solution for you. We can help you take off those pounds and you can help further medical research, save countless lives and support stem cell research in the process! Stop suing McDonalds because it makes you fat! In fact eat at McDonald’s and Burger King for every meal. We’re giving out free lyposuctions — you heard us correctly folks — free lyposuctions to the first 100+ million people who call us now at 1-800-555-LTWN [Loose The Weight Now]. But you have to call within the next fifty millennia. That’s right we’re not restricting this offer to the next twenty minutes, we’re extending it to the next fifty millennia. Call us now at 1-800-555-LTWN, that’s 1-800-555-5896, 1-800-555-LTWN. [Then speaks the guy who can a hundred sentences in the time you can say one...] This offer is good only for those people who clinically have more than 3% body fat because having less is just not healthy at all, for those who are mal-nourished or for those who live underwater. You must call within the next 50 millennia to schedule your appointment. Patients are reminded that lyposuction is required so there are no pills or diets involved. We encourage patients to continue eating in such ways that they could return for a second or third or more-th visit since the constant supply of stem cells is required for the research.”
Comments»
More disturbing to me is the news I heard this morning.
Pluto is no longer considered a planet. It does not measure up to the standard. I am pretty sure that this little baby should be grandfathered in as taking it out of the orbit plan could cause mass chaos when students are learning the planet names. All those catchy acronyms will no longer work. This is truly a scandolous moment in the history of astonomy.
I really enjouyed reading this article, although I don’t understand why you’d have people going back to eating something that causes them to be sick.